I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
