Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's always time for handjobs
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
