My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
