life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
