i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
