You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
