did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
