I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
