My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
