my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
