your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
