i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
