shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
