Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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