What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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