Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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