i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
