I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
