Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
