The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
