just tell him i said nine months
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
