I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
