I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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