drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
