Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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