If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
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