note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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