I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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