My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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