Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
