So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
