why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
