At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize