Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
