I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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