My first STD was from a foam party
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
