i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
