I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
