my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
