Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
