Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
