weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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