So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
