Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
