Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
