Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
