I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
