turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you win again, gameday.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
