dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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