Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
