he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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