help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
