I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
