I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
