some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
