3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
