So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Randomize
