She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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