Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
