my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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