wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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