I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
